The Garden



Not feeling self-confident? Feeling less perky than before? Have trouble making friends and interacting with other people? Decision-making and concentration a problem for you? Take a blue pill…take a purple. We’re in the 21st century, folks. No need to suffer. Man is unlimited in his ability to fix the human race, to rid the world of these flaws that human beings have incurred over the millennia of our evolution. Weaknesses are just a nuisance of natural selection; in a few more millennia they’ll be gone. For the time being take a pill.

Sin, you say? Oh, please, sin is a creation of man; a political pawn to trip man up and make him obeisant to government. We are creatures of nature; at the mercy of biological rhythms and brazen animal desires. As soon as we lighten the load of our guilt, the light will shine down and we will be truly enlightened humans capable of reaching the stars.

In the superstitious past, people were encouraged to get on their knees and pray. But we’re in the 21st century now, and prayer is not practical. Sure, it’s a spiritual release but no one really knows if God exists, right? Nietzsche killed him and Darwin buried him.

We are no longer bound by the Ten Commandments; those restrictive and oppressive rules that belittle us and tell us we are not good. Those scriptures that tell us of a sin nature and a ridiculous serpent in a garden of paradise; those scriptures that that tell us we are wrong, that accuse us, that point the finger in our direction…they are the very source of the guilt that eats us alive. If not for those scriptures guilt would not exist.
We don’t need two thousand year old philosophers telling us how to live today.

We are human. We are wise. We will overcome. We will feed the hungry. We will comfort the poor. We will create a utopia right here on earth. Us, the human race, we are superior and we are invincible. We will fix the brokenness of the human soul, the souls broken by lies told.

We will no longer blame Eve for her failings in the garden. Eve got a bad rap. We know Eve. We can relate to Eve. We are Eve.

And each morning we awaken with a choice. To live according to this insane world which grows more maddening by the day, or to live according to God. Each day, at some point, the serpent whispers in our ear, “Hath God really said…” Each day as we answer, “No, God didn’t really say…” the wall around our hearts is thickened. Each day it becomes easier to deny that God expects anything of us. Each day it becomes easier to deny God. Eventually we are left with an empty shell surrounded by an impenetrable wall, behind which we hide in our nakedness.

We place the blame on stress. We place the blame on this gift called life we have been given. We place the blame on our husbands, wives, children and co-workers. We blame our jobs, our start in life, our past and our present.

We cannot fight the depression that comes upon us as we hide in the bathroom crying for no reason. We dread leaving the house to go out into a world we do not like or understand. We cannot help snapping at those closest to us, we have to hold it in all day at work. There must be an outlet. The pills take the edge off, the pills take the blame away and the pills make us feel somewhat normal again. But what is normal after all? What is real? Who is real? Where is truth and who has cornered the market on it?

One day we will all be on our knees; each and every one. It will not cause vomiting, diarrhea, nausea or headaches. The only side effect will be the pain that threatens our very being, the pain from looking inward, the pain of denying the truth no matter how futile the denial. Pain that with it will bring freedom and release; knowing that it was within us all along to hand it over but holding on to it none-the-less. The pain of a rebellious child realizing that the parents were right all along and the pain of a guilty party repenting of grievous wrong.

And then we will be back in the garden, walking along side God. Maybe we’ll be able to look back and laugh…but I doubt it.

On Bended Knee


I have always learned the hard way. The roads in my life have been crooked and full of potholes. But, all the while, I’ve been blessed. As I look back, it is apparent that there was someone at the wheel other than myself. In 1997, I was given the opportunity to meet this Someone, and I’ve been thankful ever since. I was at a point in my life that was out of control, crazy, and I was dealing with emotions that were pure torment. I have always lived much of my life inside my head, and at this time, I was more there than ever.
In January of ’97 I had learned that my mother had lung cancer. I had always been prone to self-pitying depressions, and this event proved no exception. My marriage was going downhill fast, and I had no idea what to do to fix it, or even if I wanted to. I had always prayed, although not with much enthusiasm. I found myself praying daily now, for mother, and for myself. I had prayed while on a job search that God would put me where he wanted me. Ironically, I wound up in an office full of “party” girls.

The prayer that I had prayed didn’t enter my mind as I fell right in with the group. The girls would pass memos around on Friday mornings announcing the place we would all meet after work to celebrate the end of the week. I couldn’t believe my luck, to fall in with such a fun group of girls. Girls who liked to drink beer and talk about something besides their children. But then there was Tammy, a beautiful thirty-something lady, with an air about her that was unlike anything I had seen before.

I was at her desk one day when I noticed she quickly tossed the “Friday memo” into the trash. I questioned her about it and she just replied, “Oh, I don’t get into that stuff anymore.” I thought it odd at the time, because the girls had plenty of wild stories to tell in which Tammy had been the wildest. And she had been, until she gave her life to Christ.
As I got to know her better, she revealed more to me about her life, and her “conversion.” She was never preachy, or judgmental as people often think fundamentalists are. She was just a sweet, kind soul who had found a different road from the one the rest of us were on. I would confide in her about the difficulties in my life; my mother’s health, my marriage, my children, and she would sympathize and offer kind words of advice. I saw something in Tammy that my other “buddies” just didn’t have. It was as if she truly cared about my worries and about me. She passed some books on to me about Christianity, and while I would read them, I just didn’t see myself becoming as involved with God as she seemed to be.

One morning as I drove in to work, with a million voices screaming in my head, I suddenly screamed, “This is it! I can’t take it anymore! Please, Lord, take it from me; take it all, everything! I give it to you, because I cannot deal with it! I can’t!” This wasn’t a prayer taken from a book, these were just words that flew from within during an emotional outburst. There were no sudden appearances of lights or angels; in fact, the only difference I was immediately aware of was that I felt calm. I attributed the peace I felt to the emotional release I had had while screaming that prayer aloud. (I’m sure anyone noticing me on the highway, would’ve kept their distance, thinking that I had a major case of road rage.) Anyhow, I journeyed on to work, and didn’t think much more about what I had done.

Gradually, throughout the week, I began to notice changes in my thoughts and actions. I popped a beer open on Friday evening to start the weekend off, and found that I literally had to force it down. When it was gone, I had no desire for a second, which was highly unusual. Typically, I drank a second, third, and fourth. When I would think of the problems in my marriage, it wasn’t with the usual thoughts of, “How will I make it on my own with two children?” Instead, there was a determination to stay despite everything. I began to look inside myself for where the problems in my life might lie, and I saw the root of many of them. I was calmer, more patient, and more peaceful than I had ever been. I knew that somehow I had changed, and I also knew that I had done nothing to change myself. It just happened, in a gentle sort of way. I knew that I had been “saved,” by the grace of God certainly, for I had had no part in it, except a cry for help.

My life had been full of gray areas. The world is full of gray areas. It was no longer. I knew what was right, what was wrong, and what was in between. I knew that many of the bad times in my life had come from bad choices, not circumstance. I knew that my “moods” were fickle emotions that that could be controlled. I knew that, with Christ, I had the power to change things for the better.

About a month after my insanity prayer, as I call it, I wrote a letter of apology to my husband, for ten years worth of wrongs. The words just poured forth, honestly, as if someone else were writing. All my pride was poured out with that letter and I felt as if I’d been relieved of a great burden. My husband’s outlook on our marriage changed then, too. It was as if we both decided that our marriage was for the long term, no exceptions.
Soon, my office began hiring, and was suddenly filling with women who had faith in God. This was no coincidence. God had heard my prayer during my job search; he had just answered it in his own way and in his own time. God had a plan to keep me wrapped tight as I ventured into this new world.

For about two years, it was truly as if Christ was holding me in his arms, coddling me just as a baby, and guiding my steps. Rock music suddenly grated my nerves, and trash television sickened me. I no longer dwelt inside my head, but had a new awareness of those in my life. I found a new respect for my husband, and my children became my first priority. As I look back now, I can say that for the first time in my life, I knew what it was to truly love others. That may sound harsh to non-believers, as I’ve had many say to me, “You mean you can’t love people without a god to show you how? Maybe you’re just a decrepit soul,” or words to that effect. But, while I had truly believed that I loved others, I now saw it had been a conditional love based on how much or how well others loved me. I had believed love was based on feelings. God had shown me it was based on action; that it was something one did as opposed to something one felt. He showed me things about myself, I would never have known if not for Him. And he blessed me with my third child, Adam.

Adam came along, just as mamma was starting a slide downhill. He is a wonderfully good-tempered child and never failed to lift her spirits even in the darkest of hours. He carried me through her passing. He was a rope to hang on to whenever I felt I might slip. He was a gift from God, and God’s gifts always come at just the right moments.
It’s been almost two years since mamma passed, and almost five since that day in August. I am no longer coddled like a babe in his arms. Like all good parents, he has sent me out into the world. “If you love something set it free…” as the saying goes, and God does. He allows us to walk on our own, and use our free will to choose. Beer goes down a little easier these days, so I have to make the choice; to drink or not to drink. It doesn’t grate my ears to listen to the classic rock station anymore, either. My temper often reminds me of the person I once was. I catch myself crying “Lord, please come near to me, I don’t want to go back.”

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if he’s really there, after all. But then I think back to that day in August of ’97, when I was at my wit’s end, with no where to turn, and I turned to Him. It is remarkable that when I finally gave Him my all, He gave me His also. I didn’t ask Him to help my marriage, or my mind, or my children; I asked him to take my whole life and that is what made all the difference.

My Christian faith is no panacea. Those moments that I do not feel the immediate presence of God, are some of the loneliest of my life. Once you know his presence, it is painful to be without. His presence is fulfilling, knowing, loving and most of all “peace that surpasses all understanding.” Peace in knowing that everything will be okay, no matter what. Peace in knowing that someone other than you is in control. The bible states that He is there always, “even unto the end.” In this I must trust.

There are many questions that I cannot answer about my faith. So much of it is just that, faith. How can you prove to someone an experience that was between you and God? “If God’s so loving why doesn’t this happen to everyone?” I am asked. I don’t know and I can only guess. In today’s world there is such pride in being in control of one’s life. Having all your ducks in a row and so forth. I believe that many find belief in God a weakness. Ironically, the pride that they hold so dear in controlling their own lives widens the gap between them and a Father whom loves them dearly. Pride and stubbornness form a wall around our heart that becomes impregnable with time. We make the choice to build that wall or tear it down. The world tells us to control our destinies and stand tall, but He desires that we come to him on bended knee so that he can teach us to walk again.