Daily Walk

2010-05-05T23:26:00.002-04:00

Wow! Just figured out how to get back in after Google takeover! Simply posting so that blog does not continue to be inactive. Be back soon!

2008-03-20T21:07:00.002-04:00

What a difference 30 days makes. I finally get diagnosed with something -- adrenal fatigue. Ummm...okay. How do we get rid of it? No sugar, eat an apple a day, no stress and be still. No, I'm not kidding. Then I learn I'm going to be a grandmother -- unmarried daughter and her fiance that I barely know. Then I have a slight nervous breakdown and felt really bad for a few weeks. But praise God I am better today. We went wedding gown shopping and I had energy to spare. Give thanks to the Lord, our God and King, His love endures forever!!!

Oh Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high;
I will not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child quieted at its mother's breast;
like a child that is quieted is my soul. Psalm 131: 1-2

The Lord does not want me fretting or worrying about things I don't know, but wants me quiet in my trust in him. He will lead me and will 'grow' me. I must be still and know that he is God!!!

2008-02-19T08:18:00.002-05:00

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

I saw an eagle yesterday. As I walked and then again as I sat in the swing spending an hour with God. Later, as I read a book, Isaiah 40 popped out-then again this morning as I watched Joyce, the verse was quoted.

I shall renew my strength! But I must wait. I must wait with a good attitude and patience, enjoying where I am while on my way to where I am going. God is Good! Amen.

2008-02-18T14:26:00.002-05:00

Trust in the Lord with all your might, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Be not wise in your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn from sin. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8

I memorized and quoted the first 'stanza' of that verse on a plan flight I took in '05. It was my second flight, but still I was petrified. I quoted that verse a gazillion times to Maine and back again. My fear was not eased at all. I couldn't understand it and was never so thankful as when that plane touched down.

As one can see from earlier posts, I memorized the second 'stanza' recently in my efforts to bring healing to my body. The difference? In '05, I was memorizing a group of words from a book that I thought might have power. Today I am memorizing and placing in my heart the word of God which I KNOW has power.

I had no idea the two verses were 'related' until a bit ago when I committed one hour to God outside on my swing. I took a book by Anne Graham, the Bible, and my camera. As I was quoting the 'new' verse to myself, I thought to look it up. Lo and behold I noticed its connection to the verse I quoted in the very incident which I personally believe began my descent into illness. The Lord does truly work in mysterious ways.

The squirrel in the picture came down and sat in a tree right beside me near the end of my hour. He squeaked quietly, and sat still as I took picture after picture. He must have enjoyed the time with God, too.

2008-02-18T08:31:00.002-05:00

I am so quick to wonder why I must suffer...and very eager to be rid of suffering when it comes into my life. Imagine Mary's suffering. She knew from the get go that her child was special, but little did she know what would befall Him. "But Mary kept all these things...pondering them," the book of Luke tells us when prophets would tell Mary of the great things her child would do for Israel and the gentiles. What must she have imagined. What terrible thoughts Satan must have thrown at her in an attempt to get her to live in fear.
Satan is very persistent in his attempts to get us to believe the worst. And it seems the more we work to focus on hope, the more persistent his attacks become. 'This, too, shall pass' I must continue to tell myself. Look at the good that came from Mary's suffering. I must trust that good will come and I will be stronger and closer to God for having gone through.

Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn from evil. It WILL be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. ~Proverbs 3:7-8

2008-02-17T13:23:00.002-05:00

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8

It WILL be healing to your flesh...not it MAY be, or it CAN be. Why is that so hard to grasp? Trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, spirit.

Be a reflection of his ways, his goodness, his mercy and loving kindness. Such a simple thing stated, but so very difficult to do.

When we really look into our hearts and examine our motives, the wickedness that resides there is so apparent. Even when we do good, our motives are not pure, but selfish. Paul says something about trying to do good, but doing the thing that he does not wish to do instead. Our flesh is battling to have its way, and when we really turn our eyes to God and focus on Him, we see the shortcomings of ourselves and understand completely that without Him it is impossible.

We cannot be a reflection of Christ without Christ. We cannot be good, we cannot be kind, we cannot be merciful or forgiving. All attempts to be these things without Christ wind up being selfish actions with hidden ulterior motives.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart. Help me, I pray, to make my motives yours. Heal my flesh Oh, Lord, even as you fill my spirit. In Jesus' name. Amen

2008-02-14T17:01:00.004-05:00

I'm tired today. Yes, tired -- I won't use 'fatigued' because I have functioned rather well. Went outside and took some pictures, rode to the land to check out the progress our loggers have made (from the looks of it, a mess), baked some cookies from scratch (and I'm not a baker). And went back to the land to see if they were finished yet (not). So, I'm tired. Don't know why and that's the crazy thing. But I am trusting and believing God to remove this from me. It is this way for a reason, and it certainly led me to 'the corner' so I will wait on God to lift this weight from me. He is faithful and just to do all things above and beyond what I can think or imagine.

2008-02-13T17:17:00.003-05:00

Speaking of Fatigue

Fatigue is a really ugly word. I didn’t think a lot of it until I actually experienced it. Sure, I’d been tired a lot in my life and was even prone to saying, ‘I’m tired’, just because I wanted to take a break from whatever chore I might be doing to smoke a cigarette. I’d been tired after a really hard day of physical labor like painting or gardening. But ‘tired’ is NOT fatigue. Fatigue is like a monster that crawls into your body, sucks the life blood out of you, and leaves you the ability to focus just enough so that you realize you are not YOU. Fatigue leaves you with no desire to function, and if you must function, you feel like the last drop of molasses at the bottom of the bottle.

It hit me in the summer of ’06. Right in the midst of lake season: beer, pontoon, sunshine, good times every weekend. Now, I had noticed that about once a month, I would have a day that would leave me drained for no reason. But suddenly, it was 2 or even 3 days at a time. I would take a nap at lunch and still be wiped out. Several times I simply didn’t return to work, calling the boss on the old cell phone and bugging out. I would come home and do NOTHING. NOTHING what so ever. Just go to my room, shut the door, and explain to my husband that the monster had attacked. ‘Please be patient,” was my plea. And he did try.

Doctors? Yes, I’ve been through several - and am still on the hunt for one who actually looks for the root of the problem instead of focusing on symptoms. Will visit a new one next month. The best I can say for medical professionals is they are human, too. And they obsess about cholesterol. They may not know what’s wrong with you, but they believe if they fix the cholesterol, everything else will fall into place.

Anyhow, I have come to terms with it. The fatigue that is. I was blessed enough to be able to quit my job for a time, and am now able to rest whenever the monster strikes. Thanks be to God, that does not seem to be as often now. And as there are blessings even in adversity, fatigue is partly what led to ‘the corner.’ But more on that later. Let’s just say these days I do my best not to say ‘I’m tired’ unless it is truly the case. We don’t want to speak things in to existence…ya know?

2008-02-13T09:53:00.006-05:00

IN THE BEGINNING

Where to begin? The Lord has indeed been good, patient, kind, merciful and persistent with me. As He is with us all, I suppose. My very first post here, 'On Bended Knee' , describes what could only be called my conversion, even though I know He's been there all my life. From this point forward, my posts will be about my subsequent backslide, and my journey back to Him, until of course, the story is told.

God is patient. He waited, watched, and I'm certain sent out warning signs, as I spiraled into a pit from which only He could save me. I can't help but marvel at human nature and our determination to head for the muck and mire when heaven is at our grasp. We are a persistent people, are we not?

God is good. He saved me when I certainly didn't deserve it, and being the fallen being that I am, I immediately began to think that I had this whole 'Christian' thing down, whether I was 'on bended knee' or not. I didn't need a church, and although I knew I should read the Bible, I just didn't have time. My life was changing at a rapid pace.

I returned to work after some years at home. I didn't want to go back to work, mind you. I've always had a pull to be at home, tending to my duties here. (I don't know if that tends toward laziness or a true calling from God in this area, but I'm sure he will show me in time.) My marriage went through a period of complete upheaval. There were times when I really didn't think we would make it through the obstacles we were having to face. I'm sure I prayed, and I know I put it in God's hands, but at the same time, I made adjustments to myself that I thought would help, that were in no way biblical. I built up walls that God had torn down, determined that I could do no wrong, since He was in me.

And things did begin to turn around. The business actually began to thrive, by God's hand I'm certain. Promotions led me to a job that I enjoyed. Scott and I drew close and our daughter led us to a great spirit filled church. (Okay, maybe we do need a little Word in our lives after all, I'm sure we were thinking). We were drawing closer to one another. We successfully quit smoking after years and years. Yes, the future was so bright we had to wear shades.

And then...we lost our peace. Oh heaven help us, where'd it go? And just when everything was going our way....

2008-02-09T15:18:00.003-05:00

Cliches...

Time flies when you're having fun. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Hmmmm...my 'Anger' post below was interesting to say the least...and tells me quite a bit about how I got where I've been for the past 3 years. Healthwise, spiritually, mentally. Well, thank the Good Lord, he has put me in the corner, and I'm starting to come around...will keep you posted.

~Dubyagee

2004-07-17T12:58:00.000-04:00

Soccer Moms, Lend Me Your Ears

The prospect of a victorious Democratic ticket this November fills me with dread, but since Kerry paired with a pretty smile, I fear there are plenty of previously undecided soccer moms who are now ready to vote a straight Democratic ticket. This ticket might well be labeled Beast and the Beauty.

Ladies, let’s do our homework this time, so that we know who and what we are voting for. A few clicks of the mouse and a google search will tell you volumes. Here’s a little of what I learned in the last fifteen minutes from www.vote-smart.org. The key is to pay attention to what is not said:

Edwards: “I support a woman's right to choose and believe this that right is constitutionally protected. I also support funding for family planning.”
I’ve yet to see anywhere in the constitution that states it is a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child. Most of us, even those who may have exercised that right over the years, do not care to see our tax dollars go to pay for others who make this choice. And did you really think people went to these places to plan families? “Family planning” is liberal speak for abortion clinics.

Edwards: “We must protect our country, but we cannot sacrifice the rights and freedoms that define America. We have a right to self-defense, but we must always recognize the larger framework of international law when we make decisions about defending ourselves.”
In other words, we must protect our country, but we cannot infringe on the rights of terrorist groups to plan and execute attacks on American soil. We have a right to self-defense but we must get the UN’s approval before taking any action to defend ourselves.

Edwards: “I oppose diverting payroll taxes to private accounts but support offering matching accounts to workers on top of Social Security.”
What’s not said? I don’t trust the American people with their own money.

Edwards: “I believe we must achieve high-speed Internet access for all Americans, and I support ensuring families have the tools to keep spam and inappropriate material away from their children.”
If you believe you’re entitled to high-speed Internet service, you gotta vote for this guy. And I’m sure the government will be much better at policing it for you than the MSN butterfly. Just look at China.

Edwards: “I support higher pay for teachers, especially in low-income schools; smaller high schools: afterschool programs; offering a free year of college at a public university to students who work 10 hours per week...”
Hey, high speed Internet and a free year in a public indoctrination center. Wonder where this guy stands on freedom of school choice? (Edwards: “Private school vouchers won't help our public schools, but will instead drain limited resources from those schools. I oppose vouchers.”)

Edwards: “I support job training programs, an increase in the minimum wage, greater protection for unionization, and greater help for Americans balancing work and families.”
Interpretation: Raise the wages so your kids will get paid more at their after school jobs and raise your taxes so the government can pay for high speed internet service and free tuition, so that the kids getting paid higher wages can be educated. By the way, is it just me that had no clue that unions need government protection?

Edwards: “I will reorient U.S. assitance [sic] toward supporting open societies, giving more aid to nongovernmental bodies, and cutting assistance to dictators uninterested in democracy and upholding human rights.” No comment. (I haven’t had the time to translate the liberal speak yet.)

True, Edwards is just the running mate, but Kerry is more liberal than Edwards. This ticket leans as far to the left as it can go. Both men were against the partial birth abortion ban. Both Edwards and Kerry believe that a woman has the right to choose infanticide right up until the day of birth.

Both believe our tax dollars should fund abortions for women who want to choose, but that parents should have no right to choose the school their child will attend.

Both want the Bush tax cuts repealed because they believe they know better than we, where our money should go.

Both believe that when the United States has a need to defend and protect itself, we need the permission of the United Nations.

If you’re in agreement with their stances, by all means vote Kerry/Edwards in November. But don’t vote for a nice smile, nice hair, a South Carolina native, a former North Carolina senator or a ‘charismatic’ personality. Vote with a knowledge of the issues and the candidates’ positions on those issues. And be sure to read between the lines to get through all the liberal speak.

2004-02-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Entertainment Industry

I’m shocked. No, no, no…not by the boob thing. One more publicity ploy from your ranks does not shock me. Many of you seem to be deluded by the belief that entertainment equals pushing the envelope and offending many of those paying your bills. The prevailing notion of Hollyworld, from those who have reached a maturity level above the prepubescent stage, is one of a place where people sell their souls for the pursuit of happiness. This is your choice and you’re entitled.

I’m not shocked that no one is to blame, either. CBS isn’t to blame. HBO isn’t to blame. The NFL isn’t to blame. And Janet and Justin aren’t to blame either, they’re just victims of a “wardrobe malfunction.” I suppose the conflicting stories emanating from the publicists can be blamed on CYA and somewhere down the line, I’m sure the Democrats will find a way to blame GWB.

I’m not shocked that my seventeen-year-old son came home from school with the news that Janet’s boob was the subject of the day. That was the point, wasn’t it? With a new CD coming out soon, a has-been must do something to get the public’s attention off her brother and onto herself. Look at Madonna. She’s not only reinvented her persona by speaking with a British accent and writing children’s books, she’s making out with girls young enough to be her daughters. Now there’s diversity for ya. Rule #1 from the ‘How to Sell Your Soul for Celebrity’ guide might just be: Give them something to talk about and they’ll spend their hard earned money on you. So, it’s understandable and not at all shocking.

No, none of the above shocked me in the least. What did shock me was the fact that many across America were shocked out of complacency by a boob. Did they not notice that the entire halftime debacle was a tribute to sexual orgies that would rival the Romans? Did they not notice that the background ‘dancers’ were not so much dancing as enjoying foreplay. Roseanne Barr once grabbed her crotch and became a national pariah. Nelly and P. Didd(l)y acted as though their penis’ might become disengaged if they did not hold on tight and not a word is said. Janet, your boob will live on in infamy. Aren’t you proud? “Here lies Janet Jackson. She was (literally) boob for the day.”

You plastic people are quick to blame America for all the ails of the world. It could be a side effect of Botox or you may actually be on to something. For most of the world, their view of America comes straight from the entertainment industry. Is it possible the world believes all of our teenagers are self-absorbed brats as shown the “Real World”? Do they liken our female population to the whores from “Sex in the City?” Possibly they view our men as perpetual horn dogs as portrayed in either of the above.

Many of you are decrepit has-beens with plastic bodies sucking hard earned money from the poor and oppressed while you live in decadence rivaled only by the corporate moguls you are so quick to condemn for their greed. If your industry would donate only the money you spend on plastic surgery to the poor in this country, it’s quite possible there would be no poor in this country. You sell your souls for fifteen minutes of fame, and attempt to convince the rest of the world that souls do not exist. It appears you are attempting to bring society down to a level not seen since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. You condemn the corporate moguls in this country that worship the almighty dollar, when you yourselves will stoop to any level to reap your own George Washington’s.

It is a fact that Nietszche is in the grave. No one has proven the same of God. If He is indeed up there, keeping an eye on things, He is not blaming MTV either. He’s not blaming the NFL, the FCC or CBS. He’s blaming each and every individual that makes the choice to sell everything that they know to be right, for the chance to be rich and famous and thumb their noses at the repressed prudes across the globe.

Pat yourselves on the back, oh ye Plastic Ones. You’ve cornered the market on sleaze. Kinda gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn’t it?

2004-01-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

Dose of Reality

With the capture of Saddam Hussein there are now pundits who feel confident enough to suggest that it is time for the Middle East to get a dose of reality. Israel exists, Israel will exist, and Israel has a right to exist. Stop the fantasizing about pushing her into the sea. Tiptoeing around the issue will not solve problems. Appeasement only works when dealing with those who are willing to be appeased. The failure of the 2000 Camp David talks is proof that the Palestinians will not be appeased. They want that tiny spot of land that is Israel, and they will take no less.

But even as the pundits proclaim the Middle East needs a dose of reality, there exists in this nation a certain political party that could use a shot in the arm itself. The offical blog of the Democratic Party is titled ‘Kicking Ass’. I don’t know if they named this thing as Rush was being outed for prescription drug abuse, but I would assume that they didn’t pin all their hopes on a talk show hosts personal problems. Maybe they penned it at the same time they were gearing up for their ‘It’s the economy, stupid II’ campaign. Anyhow, whatever the reason they opted for such an optimistic moniker, reality tells a different story. Here are just a few of the Bush Administration’s successes from the last few months:

The ban on partial birth abortion was signed. A victory for all of those opposed to infanticide though the left would have you believe that this is the first step in having Hillary relegated to the kitchen.

The economy spirals…upward! There were those banking on the fact that those ‘tax cuts for the rich’ would fail to revitalize the economy. Fortunately, those of us who are not rich but also pay taxes, noticed they came our way too. Apparently, the left’s definition of rich includes those who can afford to put food on the table.

The Medicare Reform Bill was passed and signed by President Bush. Those opposed on the left are opposed because it’s not big enough. Those opposed on the right, because it’s too big. Just goes to show you can’t please everyone. And hey, Bush said he was going to do this pre-election 2000. Were you listening?

Bush flew by night into Baghdad and thanked our troops for their efforts in Iraq. The complaint from the left on this one is that Bush proudly displayed a plastic turkey, but a genuine leader displaying a fake turkey beats a real turkey playing the part of a leader, any day.

December being the banner month it was, Saddam Hussein was captured and Libya agreed to inspections and cooperation concerning their WMD’s. So much for a wasteful quagmire that serves no purpose but to alienate the ‘global community.’ While Democrats would have us believe that diplomacy led to this breakthrough with Libya, I would hazard a guess that the image of a broken Saddam gave brutal dictators the world over a few sleepless nights.

As CNN was repeatedly reminding us that Saddam’s capture did not mean the end of violence in Iraq, Gadhafi was deciding he would pass on the chance of violence in Libya. While the left repeats the ‘arrogant, inept, reckless quagmire’ mantra, Bush’s diplomacy with action has led to Libya’s cooperation. The liberal’s foreign policy tactic of building the self-esteem of terrorist loving nations has only produced more confident terrorists.

Sometimes it looks as though the left’s inept, unintellectual, stupid, useless, cowboy of a Bush might just be the sturdiest cactus in the desert. For someone with as little intelligence as they credit him with, he certainly seems to be accomplishing just what he says he will. There’s something to be said for someone who says what he means and does what he says. They used to call that character.

Perhaps by naming their blog “Kicking Ass” the Democrats are speaking of the job that US troops are doing in Iraq. Maybe they see beyond their own rhetoric and realize that terrorist nations must be brought into the 21st century and understand that is the direction the Bush administration is taking.

Or maybe a more realistic scenario would be for us to awaken tomorrow morning to news anchors reporting, “Osama Bin Laden was captured last evening. With him were discovered the infamous Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Also taken into custody were Democratic operatives who, apparently, were sworn to delay the discovery of bin Laden and the WMD’s until the day after the 2004 election.”

2004-01-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

Angry

As my thirty-seventh birthday rushes towards me, I find myself reflecting on my life more than usual. Since the age of nineteen, I have spent most of my time being a wife and mother. While a very difficult and challenging occupation, it leaves one with few skills that are viable to employers. It might even leave one, at the age of thirty-seven, wondering what in the world to do with the rest of their life. Often, if one is of an optimistic bent, they can look at their children and family as a whole and be thankful for what their efforts have helped produce. I happen to not be so optimistic at this point in time.

As I reflect on my family at this moment in time, I see a lot of selfishness. I see a cry for forgiveness from those not willing to forgive. I see humans who wish to remove the splinter from others eyes while being blinded by the log in their own. Sometimes it seems as if a fog of discontent has settled over my home and attempts to remove it are futile. And more often, I find myself feeling guilty, as if the removal is on my shoulders and mine alone. As if the other humans in this home have no responsibility other than to function in a typical human fashion. It is I, Miss Deep Thinker, Miss Holier than Thou, who should fight the good fight. It is I who should drive the demons from this home with prayer; who should take the high road even when the low road is less difficult to traverse.

Somewhere down this extensive career I’ve pursued, I’ve failed. I backslid into a mud pit and there I remain. Possibly because I no longer wish to crawl out. The Bible tells us to stand firm in our faith. Oh, how simple it sounds. But I believe it to be one of the most difficult instructions to follow. How do you ‘put on the armor of God’ when you forget where you left it? How do you reverse life? How do you continue to put in effort where no results are forthcoming? How do you once again swallow yourself and give all to others, when you were once slapped down for doing so? How do you fight a world that has already won?

Sounds a little like ‘Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy’, I know. I’m a deep thinker with a shallow reservoir. I need to get back on my knees, let go and let God. But I’m so tired of the thanklessness that I work hard to show it. The hypocrisy of one fool pointing out to the other that he/she is indeed a fool. The shallowness of human nature is beyond belief. The refusal to look inside one’s self and realize one’s errors before pointing out everyone elses. Let’s face it, the only way we can forgive others, is to realize that we too need forgiveness. We’re all rotten on the inside and therefore the need for our Savior.

I imagine when all is said and done in this episode of ‘my family’, I will be the one needing forgiveness. I am angry now and have once again hardened my heart. I am tired of people chewing up others and spitting them out, and then acting if no violence has occurred. The sad thing is, I can be nastier than they ever thought of being. And only ‘Christ in me’ prevents it. Possibly it is this weakness that led me to God. We are told we all have weaknesses or else we wouldn’t need Him. Too bad they’ve not found theirs yet.

2003-12-09T14:59:00.000-05:00

The Garden

Not feeling self-confident? Feeling less perky than before? Have trouble making friends and interacting with other people? Decision-making and concentration a problem for you? Take a blue pill…take a purple. We’re in the 21st century, folks. No need to suffer. Man is unlimited in his ability to fix the human race, to rid the world of these flaws that human beings have incurred over the millennia of our evolution. Weaknesses are just a nuisance of natural selection; in a few more millennia they’ll be gone. For the time being take a pill.

Sin, you say? Oh, please, sin is a creation of man; a political pawn to trip man up and make him obeisant to government. We are creatures of nature; at the mercy of biological rhythms and brazen animal desires. As soon as we lighten the load of our guilt, the light will shine down and we will be truly enlightened humans capable of reaching the stars.

In the superstitious past, people were encouraged to get on their knees and pray. But we’re in the 21st century now, and prayer is not practical. Sure, it’s a spiritual release but no one really knows if God exists, right? Nietzsche killed him and Darwin buried him.

We are no longer bound by the Ten Commandments; those restrictive and oppressive rules that belittle us and tell us we are not good. Those scriptures that tell us of a sin nature and a ridiculous serpent in a garden of paradise; those scriptures that that tell us we are wrong, that accuse us, that point the finger in our direction…they are the very source of the guilt that eats us alive. If not for those scriptures guilt would not exist.
We don’t need two thousand year old philosophers telling us how to live today.

We are human. We are wise. We will overcome. We will feed the hungry. We will comfort the poor. We will create a utopia right here on earth. Us, the human race, we are superior and we are invincible. We will fix the brokenness of the human soul, the souls broken by lies told.

We will no longer blame Eve for her failings in the garden. Eve got a bad rap. We know Eve. We can relate to Eve. We are Eve.

And each morning we awaken with a choice. To live according to this insane world which grows more maddening by the day, or to live according to God. Each day, at some point, the serpent whispers in our ear, “Hath God really said…” Each day as we answer, “No, God didn’t really say…” the wall around our hearts is thickened. Each day it becomes easier to deny that God expects anything of us. Each day it becomes easier to deny God. Eventually we are left with an empty shell surrounded by an impenetrable wall, behind which we hide in our nakedness.

We place the blame on stress. We place the blame on this gift called life we have been given. We place the blame on our husbands, wives, children and co-workers. We blame our jobs, our start in life, our past and our present.

We cannot fight the depression that comes upon us as we hide in the bathroom crying for no reason. We dread leaving the house to go out into a world we do not like or understand. We cannot help snapping at those closest to us, we have to hold it in all day at work. There must be an outlet. The pills take the edge off, the pills take the blame away and the pills make us feel somewhat normal again. But what is normal after all? What is real? Who is real? Where is truth and who has cornered the market on it?

One day we will all be on our knees; each and every one. It will not cause vomiting, diarrhea, nausea or headaches. The only side effect will be the pain that threatens our very being, the pain from looking inward, the pain of denying the truth no matter how futile the denial. Pain that with it will bring freedom and release; knowing that it was within us all along to hand it over but holding on to it none-the-less. The pain of a rebellious child realizing that the parents were right all along and the pain of a guilty party repenting of grievous wrong.

And then we will be back in the garden, walking along side God. Maybe we’ll be able to look back and laugh…but I doubt it.

2003-12-06T21:05:00.000-05:00

2003-12-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

On Bended Knee

I have always learned the hard way. The roads in my life have been crooked and full of potholes. But, all the while, I’ve been blessed. As I look back, it is apparent that there was someone at the wheel other than myself. In 1997, I was given the opportunity to meet this Someone, and I’ve been thankful ever since. I was at a point in my life that was out of control, crazy, and I was dealing with emotions that were pure torment. I have always lived much of my life inside my head, and at this time, I was more there than ever.
In January of ’97 I had learned that my mother had lung cancer. I had always been prone to self-pitying depressions, and this event proved no exception. My marriage was going downhill fast, and I had no idea what to do to fix it, or even if I wanted to. I had always prayed, although not with much enthusiasm. I found myself praying daily now, for mother, and for myself. I had prayed while on a job search that God would put me where he wanted me. Ironically, I wound up in an office full of “party” girls.

The prayer that I had prayed didn’t enter my mind as I fell right in with the group. The girls would pass memos around on Friday mornings announcing the place we would all meet after work to celebrate the end of the week. I couldn’t believe my luck, to fall in with such a fun group of girls. Girls who liked to drink beer and talk about something besides their children. But then there was Tammy, a beautiful thirty-something lady, with an air about her that was unlike anything I had seen before.

I was at her desk one day when I noticed she quickly tossed the “Friday memo” into the trash. I questioned her about it and she just replied, “Oh, I don’t get into that stuff anymore.” I thought it odd at the time, because the girls had plenty of wild stories to tell in which Tammy had been the wildest. And she had been, until she gave her life to Christ.
As I got to know her better, she revealed more to me about her life, and her “conversion.” She was never preachy, or judgmental as people often think fundamentalists are. She was just a sweet, kind soul who had found a different road from the one the rest of us were on. I would confide in her about the difficulties in my life; my mother’s health, my marriage, my children, and she would sympathize and offer kind words of advice. I saw something in Tammy that my other “buddies” just didn’t have. It was as if she truly cared about my worries and about me. She passed some books on to me about Christianity, and while I would read them, I just didn’t see myself becoming as involved with God as she seemed to be.

One morning as I drove in to work, with a million voices screaming in my head, I suddenly screamed, “This is it! I can’t take it anymore! Please, Lord, take it from me; take it all, everything! I give it to you, because I cannot deal with it! I can’t!” This wasn’t a prayer taken from a book, these were just words that flew from within during an emotional outburst. There were no sudden appearances of lights or angels; in fact, the only difference I was immediately aware of was that I felt calm. I attributed the peace I felt to the emotional release I had had while screaming that prayer aloud. (I’m sure anyone noticing me on the highway, would’ve kept their distance, thinking that I had a major case of road rage.) Anyhow, I journeyed on to work, and didn’t think much more about what I had done.

Gradually, throughout the week, I began to notice changes in my thoughts and actions. I popped a beer open on Friday evening to start the weekend off, and found that I literally had to force it down. When it was gone, I had no desire for a second, which was highly unusual. Typically, I drank a second, third, and fourth. When I would think of the problems in my marriage, it wasn’t with the usual thoughts of, “How will I make it on my own with two children?” Instead, there was a determination to stay despite everything. I began to look inside myself for where the problems in my life might lie, and I saw the root of many of them. I was calmer, more patient, and more peaceful than I had ever been. I knew that somehow I had changed, and I also knew that I had done nothing to change myself. It just happened, in a gentle sort of way. I knew that I had been “saved,” by the grace of God certainly, for I had had no part in it, except a cry for help.

My life had been full of gray areas. The world is full of gray areas. It was no longer. I knew what was right, what was wrong, and what was in between. I knew that many of the bad times in my life had come from bad choices, not circumstance. I knew that my “moods” were fickle emotions that that could be controlled. I knew that, with Christ, I had the power to change things for the better.

About a month after my insanity prayer, as I call it, I wrote a letter of apology to my husband, for ten years worth of wrongs. The words just poured forth, honestly, as if someone else were writing. All my pride was poured out with that letter and I felt as if I’d been relieved of a great burden. My husband’s outlook on our marriage changed then, too. It was as if we both decided that our marriage was for the long term, no exceptions.
Soon, my office began hiring, and was suddenly filling with women who had faith in God. This was no coincidence. God had heard my prayer during my job search; he had just answered it in his own way and in his own time. God had a plan to keep me wrapped tight as I ventured into this new world.

For about two years, it was truly as if Christ was holding me in his arms, coddling me just as a baby, and guiding my steps. Rock music suddenly grated my nerves, and trash television sickened me. I no longer dwelt inside my head, but had a new awareness of those in my life. I found a new respect for my husband, and my children became my first priority. As I look back now, I can say that for the first time in my life, I knew what it was to truly love others. That may sound harsh to non-believers, as I’ve had many say to me, “You mean you can’t love people without a god to show you how? Maybe you’re just a decrepit soul,” or words to that effect. But, while I had truly believed that I loved others, I now saw it had been a conditional love based on how much or how well others loved me. I had believed love was based on feelings. God had shown me it was based on action; that it was something one did as opposed to something one felt. He showed me things about myself, I would never have known if not for Him. And he blessed me with my third child, Adam.

Adam came along, just as mamma was starting a slide downhill. He is a wonderfully good-tempered child and never failed to lift her spirits even in the darkest of hours. He carried me through her passing. He was a rope to hang on to whenever I felt I might slip. He was a gift from God, and God’s gifts always come at just the right moments.
It’s been almost two years since mamma passed, and almost five since that day in August. I am no longer coddled like a babe in his arms. Like all good parents, he has sent me out into the world. “If you love something set it free…” as the saying goes, and God does. He allows us to walk on our own, and use our free will to choose. Beer goes down a little easier these days, so I have to make the choice; to drink or not to drink. It doesn’t grate my ears to listen to the classic rock station anymore, either. My temper often reminds me of the person I once was. I catch myself crying “Lord, please come near to me, I don’t want to go back.”

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if he’s really there, after all. But then I think back to that day in August of ’97, when I was at my wit’s end, with no where to turn, and I turned to Him. It is remarkable that when I finally gave Him my all, He gave me His also. I didn’t ask Him to help my marriage, or my mind, or my children; I asked him to take my whole life and that is what made all the difference.

My Christian faith is no panacea. Those moments that I do not feel the immediate presence of God, are some of the loneliest of my life. Once you know his presence, it is painful to be without. His presence is fulfilling, knowing, loving and most of all “peace that surpasses all understanding.” Peace in knowing that everything will be okay, no matter what. Peace in knowing that someone other than you is in control. The bible states that He is there always, “even unto the end.” In this I must trust.

There are many questions that I cannot answer about my faith. So much of it is just that, faith. How can you prove to someone an experience that was between you and God? “If God’s so loving why doesn’t this happen to everyone?” I am asked. I don’t know and I can only guess. In today’s world there is such pride in being in control of one’s life. Having all your ducks in a row and so forth. I believe that many find belief in God a weakness. Ironically, the pride that they hold so dear in controlling their own lives widens the gap between them and a Father whom loves them dearly. Pride and stubbornness form a wall around our heart that becomes impregnable with time. We make the choice to build that wall or tear it down. The world tells us to control our destinies and stand tall, but He desires that we come to him on bended knee so that he can teach us to walk again.