What a difference 30 days makes. I finally get diagnosed with something -- adrenal fatigue. Ummm...okay. How do we get rid of it? No sugar, eat an apple a day, no stress and be still. No, I'm not kidding. Then I learn I'm going to be a grandmother -- unmarried daughter and her fiance that I barely know. Then I have a slight nervous breakdown and felt really bad for a few weeks. But praise God I am better today. We went wedding gown shopping and I had energy to spare. Give thanks to the Lord, our God and King, His love endures forever!!!

Oh Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high;
I will not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child quieted at its mother's breast;
like a child that is quieted is my soul. Psalm 131: 1-2

The Lord does not want me fretting or worrying about things I don't know, but wants me quiet in my trust in him. He will lead me and will 'grow' me. I must be still and know that he is God!!!

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

I saw an eagle yesterday. As I walked and then again as I sat in the swing spending an hour with God. Later, as I read a book, Isaiah 40 popped out-then again this morning as I watched Joyce, the verse was quoted.

I shall renew my strength! But I must wait. I must wait with a good attitude and patience, enjoying where I am while on my way to where I am going. God is Good! Amen.

Trust in the Lord with all your might, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Be not wise in your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn from sin. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8

I memorized and quoted the first 'stanza' of that verse on a plan flight I took in '05. It was my second flight, but still I was petrified. I quoted that verse a gazillion times to Maine and back again. My fear was not eased at all. I couldn't understand it and was never so thankful as when that plane touched down.

As one can see from earlier posts, I memorized the second 'stanza' recently in my efforts to bring healing to my body. The difference? In '05, I was memorizing a group of words from a book that I thought might have power. Today I am memorizing and placing in my heart the word of God which I KNOW has power.

I had no idea the two verses were 'related' until a bit ago when I committed one hour to God outside on my swing. I took a book by Anne Graham, the Bible, and my camera. As I was quoting the 'new' verse to myself, I thought to look it up. Lo and behold I noticed its connection to the verse I quoted in the very incident which I personally believe began my descent into illness. The Lord does truly work in mysterious ways.

The squirrel in the picture came down and sat in a tree right beside me near the end of my hour. He squeaked quietly, and sat still as I took picture after picture. He must have enjoyed the time with God, too.

I am so quick to wonder why I must suffer...and very eager to be rid of suffering when it comes into my life. Imagine Mary's suffering. She knew from the get go that her child was special, but little did she know what would befall Him. "But Mary kept all these things...pondering them," the book of Luke tells us when prophets would tell Mary of the great things her child would do for Israel and the gentiles. What must she have imagined. What terrible thoughts Satan must have thrown at her in an attempt to get her to live in fear.
Satan is very persistent in his attempts to get us to believe the worst. And it seems the more we work to focus on hope, the more persistent his attacks become. 'This, too, shall pass' I must continue to tell myself. Look at the good that came from Mary's suffering. I must trust that good will come and I will be stronger and closer to God for having gone through.

Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn from evil. It WILL be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. ~Proverbs 3:7-8

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8

It WILL be healing to your flesh...not it MAY be, or it CAN be. Why is that so hard to grasp? Trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, spirit.

Be a reflection of his ways, his goodness, his mercy and loving kindness. Such a simple thing stated, but so very difficult to do.

When we really look into our hearts and examine our motives, the wickedness that resides there is so apparent. Even when we do good, our motives are not pure, but selfish. Paul says something about trying to do good, but doing the thing that he does not wish to do instead. Our flesh is battling to have its way, and when we really turn our eyes to God and focus on Him, we see the shortcomings of ourselves and understand completely that without Him it is impossible.

We cannot be a reflection of Christ without Christ. We cannot be good, we cannot be kind, we cannot be merciful or forgiving. All attempts to be these things without Christ wind up being selfish actions with hidden ulterior motives.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart. Help me, I pray, to make my motives yours. Heal my flesh Oh, Lord, even as you fill my spirit. In Jesus' name. Amen

I'm tired today. Yes, tired -- I won't use 'fatigued' because I have functioned rather well. Went outside and took some pictures, rode to the land to check out the progress our loggers have made (from the looks of it, a mess), baked some cookies from scratch (and I'm not a baker). And went back to the land to see if they were finished yet (not). So, I'm tired. Don't know why and that's the crazy thing. But I am trusting and believing God to remove this from me. It is this way for a reason, and it certainly led me to 'the corner' so I will wait on God to lift this weight from me. He is faithful and just to do all things above and beyond what I can think or imagine.

Speaking of Fatigue

Fatigue is a really ugly word. I didn’t think a lot of it until I actually experienced it. Sure, I’d been tired a lot in my life and was even prone to saying, ‘I’m tired’, just because I wanted to take a break from whatever chore I might be doing to smoke a cigarette. I’d been tired after a really hard day of physical labor like painting or gardening. But ‘tired’ is NOT fatigue. Fatigue is like a monster that crawls into your body, sucks the life blood out of you, and leaves you the ability to focus just enough so that you realize you are not YOU. Fatigue leaves you with no desire to function, and if you must function, you feel like the last drop of molasses at the bottom of the bottle.

It hit me in the summer of ’06. Right in the midst of lake season: beer, pontoon, sunshine, good times every weekend. Now, I had noticed that about once a month, I would have a day that would leave me drained for no reason. But suddenly, it was 2 or even 3 days at a time. I would take a nap at lunch and still be wiped out. Several times I simply didn’t return to work, calling the boss on the old cell phone and bugging out. I would come home and do NOTHING. NOTHING what so ever. Just go to my room, shut the door, and explain to my husband that the monster had attacked. ‘Please be patient,” was my plea. And he did try.

Doctors? Yes, I’ve been through several - and am still on the hunt for one who actually looks for the root of the problem instead of focusing on symptoms. Will visit a new one next month. The best I can say for medical professionals is they are human, too. And they obsess about cholesterol. They may not know what’s wrong with you, but they believe if they fix the cholesterol, everything else will fall into place.

Anyhow, I have come to terms with it. The fatigue that is. I was blessed enough to be able to quit my job for a time, and am now able to rest whenever the monster strikes. Thanks be to God, that does not seem to be as often now. And as there are blessings even in adversity, fatigue is partly what led to ‘the corner.’ But more on that later. Let’s just say these days I do my best not to say ‘I’m tired’ unless it is truly the case. We don’t want to speak things in to existence…ya know?

IN THE BEGINNING

Where to begin? The Lord has indeed been good, patient, kind, merciful and persistent with me. As He is with us all, I suppose. My very first post here, 'On Bended Knee' , describes what could only be called my conversion, even though I know He's been there all my life. From this point forward, my posts will be about my subsequent backslide, and my journey back to Him, until of course, the story is told.






God is patient. He waited, watched, and I'm certain sent out warning signs, as I spiraled into a pit from which only He could save me. I can't help but marvel at human nature and our determination to head for the muck and mire when heaven is at our grasp. We are a persistent people, are we not?


God is good. He saved me when I certainly didn't deserve it, and being the fallen being that I am, I immediately began to think that I had this whole 'Christian' thing down, whether I was 'on bended knee' or not. I didn't need a church, and although I knew I should read the Bible, I just didn't have time. My life was changing at a rapid pace.


I returned to work after some years at home. I didn't want to go back to work, mind you. I've always had a pull to be at home, tending to my duties here. (I don't know if that tends toward laziness or a true calling from God in this area, but I'm sure he will show me in time.) My marriage went through a period of complete upheaval. There were times when I really didn't think we would make it through the obstacles we were having to face. I'm sure I prayed, and I know I put it in God's hands, but at the same time, I made adjustments to myself that I thought would help, that were in no way biblical. I built up walls that God had torn down, determined that I could do no wrong, since He was in me.


And things did begin to turn around. The business actually began to thrive, by God's hand I'm certain. Promotions led me to a job that I enjoyed. Scott and I drew close and our daughter led us to a great spirit filled church. (Okay, maybe we do need a little Word in our lives after all, I'm sure we were thinking). We were drawing closer to one another. We successfully quit smoking after years and years. Yes, the future was so bright we had to wear shades.

And then...we lost our peace. Oh heaven help us, where'd it go? And just when everything was going our way....

Cliches...

Time flies when you're having fun. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Hmmmm...my 'Anger' post below was interesting to say the least...and tells me quite a bit about how I got where I've been for the past 3 years. Healthwise, spiritually, mentally. Well, thank the Good Lord, he has put me in the corner, and I'm starting to come around...will keep you posted.

~Dubyagee